negative brain spiral
I was reminded this morning that self-assessments are due at work today.
So I am now assessing myself.
Which reminds me how little I feel I've accomplished in the last six months.
Which leads me to avoidantly _not_ doing my self-assessment.
Except it's due tonight so I feel worse about not working on it.
So now I am in a negative brain spiral and tooting at y'all to try and get myself back on track.
Ugh, everything is happening at once. Work has gone crazy in two different dimensions, kidlet is in summer camp that takes 45 minutes to get to on transit (so that's 1.5 hours morning and again in afternoon each day), and partner is having a virtual conference during her last week at this job so is also completely swamped.
Maybe I can nap next week.
Further calamity! I boiled the tea, _then_ discovered that the ice trays in the freezer haven't actually frozen, so there's no ice to cool off my tea.
Truly I am living in the worst timeline.
Oh yeah, I should tell y'all _what_ book kept me up til 3 am.
I was reading _The Fall of Doc Future_ (https://docfuture.tumblr.com/post/82363551272/fall-of-doc-future-contents), which is pretty great near-future posthuman superhero end-of-the-world stuff.
There's a lot more talking than punching, and the (not graphic, but frequent) sex scenes tell me a *lot* about the author's kinks, but it was great and I am going to try real hard to avoid staying up til 3am again with the sequel (also online).
Also, trans rights are human rights, pass it on.
There it is. I'm the boringest thing in the world: a straight, cis, white man. But at least I'm a straight, cis, white man who has actually considered, and not just accepted the defaults I was given by society.
And I'm also straight. There are men out there that I can recognize as attractive, but it's a purely asthetic thing, and I don't want to smooch them in the way I want to smooch women.
The results are actually totally boring. I'm a man. I like being a man. I am really comfortable in my masculinity (although I try to notice and avoid toxic masculinity, because being a man doesn't mean anyone who isn't is less than me).
So I have spent a lot of time this year really thinking about my gender, and how it feels to me, in a way that I never actually have before. And I'm in my 40s, so that's a while!
But a common theme seems to be "I didn't know I was trans until one day when I just opened my eyes". And I started to wonder, "Do I like this because it's also me?"